Yesterday was an obscenely bad day.
It started when I walked into my psychiatrist’s office. He looked me up and down, noticed the protruding belly that hasn’t gone down by much since we lost Nadav, and he promptly asked me how far along I was.
In the moment, I took it in stride, and told him that no, in fact I wasn’t pregnant, and I was having problems ovulating because of my weight.
He apologized profusely for his lack of tact, and explained that it wasn’t just the leftover bump, but also the fact that he knew we were trying again. Then he gave me free drugs, probably out of guilt. But hey, at least I got free drugs.
I left his office, still calm and collected, and headed over to my cousin’s for our weekly diet meeting. I lost less than a pound this week, and considering that I’m basically in diet hell, I was not particularly happy with that result.
Then I got home, let my morning sink in fully, and proceeded to lose my shit.
So much so that I said terrible things to Shmerson – about wanting to hurt myself. Or be put away somewhere where they would just sedate me forever. It was not pretty.
Tonight we went out on a date and I proceeded to get completely shitfaced on half a bottle of Cava. That did make me feel a bit better.
Then as I sobered up I sank back into my funk, until I got an email with this:
Thank you, Nisha.
Getting this today of all days was a bit of a wake up call. It’s so easy for me to feel alone. Even with Shmerson being as amazing as he is. Even with my family and friends IRL constantly checking up on me. It’s amazing how easily I can forget the love and support I have. Especially from you guys – having it from you – all of you that come here every day, that comment here, or email, or tweet- it does amazing things.
To be reminded that there are so many of you who care is enough to help me get my ass in gear.
I haven’t used this space properly in quite a while, and it’s time I bring it back to where it was. I think that by making myself come here more I may just get back to working on some healing.
The fact is that I can’t get motivated to do anything these days, but even on days like today I feel compelled to come here and to write. And that’s as good a start as any, right?
That’s where you come in. I need you guys to help me focus.
I want you all to give me some homework. I want you to give me things to write about that you would like to read.
Is there something that I used to do in this space that you miss and would like to see me do again? Is there anything about my personal life that I’ve only hinted at and you’d like to read more about? Is there anything that you’re curious to know about me? Seriously – ask me anything.
Lay it on me – give me some prompts.
It’s time to get into some major writing therapy.
As always, thank you. Thank you all for being my soft place to fall. I am and forever will be grateful to every single one of you.